I want to fly.
Simple as that. I live in this world where I know I am destined to become someone, something good, meaningful and valuable. But right now, my life doesn’t fit that picture. Not yet, at least. I’m sitting in my dorm room procrastinating from writing a biology paper that is due in T-24 hours. I could be doing something more important, right? Well, I guess I have to thank college instead of complain about it, since it gave me the ideas of “doing more.” What I mean by that is this: my eyes are open to all various opportunities out there for me now– internships, studying abroad, volunteering… you name it. I feel like I’m desperately on a hunt trying to find something suitable for me and I want to find more than one. It’s like, how did I ever become satisfied with myself before? There is so much out there that I haven’t experienced yet. I’m hungry for knowledge, culture, and spirituality. I want to go out there and touch the textures, explore the different dimensions, feel the creations and emotions of life. I want to cry, laugh, tremble, chuckle… I want to live, reach for the stars…
I could give up my future career for this. Haha. Shucks, I’d travel til I die. But let’s hope I don’t end up questioning “That’s it?” Now that, my friend, would be REALLY disappointing.
And I don’t want that.
No one does.
It’s days like this that make me feel this way… coming home to what is now “home” has no feeling whatsoever like the qualities of a real home. It is the silence that echoes the six letter word “lonely” over and over again, bashing at my white walls.
Maybe I’m homesick, it’s official. I might live close to home compared to others, but I try to distance myself and try not to visit too often. I don’t. Instead of thinking about home, too, I juggle work, school, and even try to build relationships around this place. I think I miss home the least compared to these two.
It’s weird. I’m weird. We all are.
I think I don’t miss my home. I miss food. Hahah.
Of all things, my friendship with Amy resembles my ideal friendship. It gets sad around here when she’s not around. Like on Monday morning after biology, we made breakfast together and played Uno. It was so fun, I did not want to leave!
But here… now… it is quiet and sad. Boring, really…
So it has begun. It is the 25th day of year 2013. School started two days ago and I’m pretty excited and enthusiastic about my classes this semester. I just know it is going to be a tough one though, mainly because of Humanities. It’s almost impossible to keep up with the reading, but somehow I must manage to do it this time. Although I’ve settled in, I remember just days ago where I glued my thighs and back to the couch in my living room in San Francisco. I did not want to leave at all. I didn’t want school to start. But my mom just called me fifteen minutes ago to tell me that I have to go home this weekend. I replied in 10-year-old back-talk “why? I don’t want to!” Oh well. Family needs me.
Anyway, school is great and work is fine. I need to watch my eating habits. But I just LOVE food! 🙂
Well. It’s only a matter of days until I am no longer a teenager. 20. The big 2-0. And I still do not know how to use a dishwasher. Or knit. I still haven’t recovered from acne and it seems to be only getting worse… Well it looks like my birthday is going to be spent alone. With my family, maybe. A sad 20th birthday. I’ve been pretty down in the dumps lately, too. I think I need to exercise more or something. Live a healthy lifestyle, right? Yeah I haven’t done anything the past couple of days and it’s been like paradise! A very lonely paradise. I wish I had a big group of friends I could call right away whenever I’m down. Sadly, I don’t and I don’t think I’d go out of my way to make one either. Somehow, I can’t believe that my friendships are the way they are now. I swear, five years ago I imagined something much different. Today, I have separated from a lot of people and it’s nothing to be proud of. Well, some, to say the least. I know sitting here isn’t going to do anything, but it’s just too awkward for me to start anything.
I need to start appreciating myself.
I need to stop enjoying life and start hitting the books. I think about how I’m so good and so well-behaved when really, one could care less. I should start being more humble… and do more, talk less. Act more and think less. Yes. This is the way. Anyways, I’m glad I’m back on this wordpress thing. I will be updating as much as I can from now on to get away from crazy notifications from Tumblr on my favorite boys. I follow the best tumblrs and they always update… trust me it’s cool but very annoying when you have a paper due in T-24 hours.. Yeah I should stop doing this too. Goodnight wordpress 🙂